Dear Ignorance,

I drew gashes on my skin to reflect the inner me, in hope that someone would help to give these thoughts a rest.

I dug deep into my scalp to try to reach the mad.

The longer that I tried,
the closer the walls got. Confined. (Surrounded by thick clear skin. Skin that contains you –necessary for life–

wearing at the seams

I yearn for a time I knew. A time I longed for –how could we let us go?

Sometimes when I come back I don’t know if I am even mine or if I had been left with what is yours. I worry that you have more than me, that they loved you more freely. I look back to that empty shape and wonder what things I filled it with, what happened when we slipped past one another?

I wander with what you did with our time, my space.


He once told me that he hated you and I cried because he asked me to say goodbye –how could we let us go?


Our body is now unshapely wet and I am an old witness filled with stories

(my generation sleeps)

Dear Ignorance.

Dear Ignorance,
I drew gashes on my skin to reflect the inner me, in hope that someone would help to give these thoughts a rest. Sometimes when I come back I don’t know if I am even mine or if I had been left with what is yours. I worry that you had more than me, that they loved you more freely. He once told me that he hated you and I cried because he asked me to say goodbye. How could we let us go? But the longer that I tried, the closer the walls got. Confined. Surrounded by thick clear skin. Skin that contains you– necessary for life– wearing at the seams.
I yearn for a time I knew. A time I will long for. How could we let us go?
I dug deep into my scalp to try to reach the mad. I look back to that empty shape and wonder what things I filled it with, what happened when we slipped past one another. I wonder what you did with our time, my space.
My generation sleeps. Our body is now unshapely and wet and I am an old witness filled with stories.

absense makes the parts go wonder

Where did you or rather I go when you leave? When I take flight on wings of angels or was it eagles whose ruddy feathers fall ashen in the too close sun. She said not to look at it. I did. I looked for far too long. I think that is when you came, when the slink of it caught at the rim, right on the reaches of sight, I went away, or rather they did. They melted and I went away with you, or you came towards me, I forget now whose was who’s. I know that there was no thinking then, when you went away and I arrived, when departure set in. Yet sometimes I look back to that empty shape and wonder what things I filled it with, what happened when we slipped past one another, tips sliding, skirts flapping as they vanished just around the corner. I wonder what you did with our time, my space.

Sometimes when I come back you don’t know if I am even mine or if I had been left with what is yours. The body feels old and used up, as though I were stepping between bowling shoes. I worry that you had more than me, that they loved you more freely, no strings attached. Even our neck smells different inside those nostrils. He once told me that he hated you and I cried because he asked me to say goodbye. How could we let us go? I wandered for a while then, I don’t know where you went. When I look back I only see a haziness, a furry depth that I strive to prick- but once I look too hard twice we’re gone and with you all the memories fall. They fail. I try to steal a glance my way whilst you fade in and out through shades just catching along the rim, right there . in the slink of it all.

These Thoughts Are Mine To Keep

I have tried many times

I tried to hide
I tried to run

But the longer that I tried,
the closer the walls got

I dug

I dug deep into my scalp
to try to reach the mad,
but the longer that I dug,
the closer the walls got

I drew gashes on my skin
to reflect the inner me,
in hope that someone
would help
to give these thoughts a rest

But, no one could help,
because they too
had gashes on their skin.

Traces of Life no longer there: Full Service Man

Dear Ignorance,

As far as my eye can wonder. The cars line up to the road. Convenience and leisure in the swiftness of the pump. With patience you demonstrate. You work. You wait on me.
Thank you Full Service Man.
In the blue of winter. In the sweat of summer. You are there. Active.
Thank you Full Service Man.
Confined to your holy Petrol Station in Classic America.


So much has changed.
Life is ever changing.
Change is constant. Whether or not I comply with its demands.
I am an old witness. Filled with stories. Worn out and tired.
I often complain. I yearn for a time I knew. A time I long for.

My generation sleeps.
Wondering patiently through time.
Wearing at the seams.

Where has the patience gone?
Where are we rushing to?
Where is the silence of silence?
Importance in the smallness of life brings fulfillment. Leisure.
I am sorry Full Service Man.
The royalty of pumping gas will be forgotten.

Respectfully,

American Zaide

TRACES OF LIFE NO LONGER THERE: SWEET AROMA

I wonder how it must feel      to        be

Trapped

Surrounded by thick clear skin

Skin that contains you

Necessary for life…..stifling life

And each time we bring light into ours, do we take from yours?

Your body withers and shrinks but the light remains

One strong breath

One final exhale

Your body is now unshapely and wet

Gray smoke rises and disappears into the night

Only to leave behind the sweet aroma that is you

You live in the air we breathe

Your aura, apple with a hint of cinnamon

Pleasant yet unavoidable

You continue to rise and linger

Your body hardens, skin remains

And I wonder how it must feel     to       be

Free

Imagine the most beloved giraffe nets

Imagine.
The wind blows

it blows through you,
above you,
and below you

Musical display of sound, thought, speech
Leafs rustle, branches crack

Burning light shining through the thousands of holes
marked by nature,
artificially molded.

Lies among a grove of trees
in the middle of a forest.
hidden and forgotten

...Still

Objects in Situ: Giraffe Nets??

Tall blue nets... with poles. Tall enough to catch giraffes... yes... Tall blue nets.. in the middle of a forest of all tan trees....Tall blue nets, sun shining through the thousands of holes..... The silver poles stand feet and feet and feet above the ground... They hold the tall blue nets....Out of my reach... The wind blows, it blows through you, above you, and below you... People walk past, they do not notice the tall blue nets... Leafs rustle, branches crack, the tall blue nets remain ....Still

Objects in Situ: IMAGINE

Image. Appearance. Color. Life. Action. Freedom.
Visible impression, marked by nature, yet artificially molded
One Opinion. My Impression. Difference.
Live performance, musical display of sound, thought, speech
Inspiring. Lively. Awakening. Earthly. Peace.

Objects in Situ: Most Beloved

Your memorial, hidden and forgotten,
lies among a grove of trees.
Your silhouette, burnt into a spread of bricks,
is disfigured by dead leaves and dirt.
The items in your pocket
are charred and defaced by the burning light.

Most beloved,
rest in peace.

CRYPT

INHALE
Mouth tightens on one side of face.
No hair, bald
Up and Down.

OPENS
Lips close, peel open again.
Pulls his sleeves up, left one first
Naked knees. Tan shoes.

COUGH
Bites down upon nail tip.
Song of Little Red Riding Hood begins to play
Chewing and chomping in silence.

GRABS
Deep rasping sound emerges.
Somewhat big ears, freckled
Pause Stop.

BLINK
Eyes flit from side to side.
Green eyes
Dark Big Eyes move back and forth.

BLINK
Eyes flit from one side of socket to the other, gazing toward the screen.
Watch on left wrist
She stares up for a moment.

DRAGS
Arm near pelvis, still clenched a little more tightly.
Chair underneath him and puts his right knee on it
Colorful hippie styled bag.

EXTENDS
Bad things are going to happen.
Put his left hand inside the left, front pocket of his jeans
The pen in hand is now the pen in mouth.

PLAY
Lips, fingers grazing against skin.
He shifts his book from left to right hand, and shifts it back in less than three seconds
Chew toy between her straight white teeth.

OPENS
Mouth tightened on one side of face.
Holds it in his left hand
Water bottle half full.

EXHALE
Swallows, chin pushed up against neck, slight lap of skin.
White, almost pinkish skin
Back and forth.

Body in Situ

Eyes flit from side to side; fists rounded not quite clenched, feet folded, lying down. Breath quickening, lips pursed eyebrows frown, coughs, lifts hands to mouth. I wondered whether he was just interested in sleeping with her or whether he was in love with her. Mouth open, slight smile…or grimace. Bad things are going to happen. Arm near pelvis, still clenched a little more tightly. Presses button. Gets up, moving quickly, twisting body, answers phone. Hi Papa. Hello? Not yet no I haven’t had a chance. Lips rise to mouth, voice slightly muffled, playing with lips. Elbows bent against chest. Yeah papa I have an appointment with the doctor on the 21st it was the soonest that was available. The soonest that was available. He’s very good. Bites fingers. It’s covered, I think. Yeah, I know. Um no just still looking for jobs. Plays with lips, fingers grazing against skin, pushes hair behind ear, eyes read across, flitting. Looks towards fingers inspects them, slight smile. Really absolutely nothing, nothing interesting. Long hair falling across shoulders, enshrouding bare arms. Oh yeah sorry, I’ll do that. Will do. Very warm, quite hot actually, it’s probably like 71 degrees. Have you been getting out swimming? Ok I love you Papa. Puts down phone. Readjusts body, lying along bed arms by sides bent, knees bent. Fists clenched against belly. Eyes blinking. Breathing in, out, in, out. In out, fast, shallow. Computer rises with each breath. Face sullen almost, relaxed. Eyes move downwards, flitting across. Licks lips, catches me staring, grimaces, laughs, eyes crease, wrinkling. He’s so- . Hand folds over bent at the wrist. Coughs, laughs, chest tightens. Coughs, raising hand to mouth in loose ball. Cheeks heavy, gentle. Mouth open, small opening, light heavy breathing. Hands open on thighs fingers spread against the thigh. What is he implying- he likes the hunt or just the chase? Lips close, peel open again. Right eyebrow slight tension, now upwards arched in an angle across the brow. Eyes moving in small circular motions. Breath begins in belly, chest enlarging. NO! What? Face contorts, mouth pursed open in circular o shape, eyebrows heavy laden, wrinkles appear between them, eyes narrow, lips turn downwards. Hand clenches about computer. Knees together. Feet held parallel to one another. Coughs, rising curled hand to mouth. Eyes flicker to the side, now downward along a diagonal. I’ve got to re-download it. Damn it. Eyes move along screen horizontally. Swallows, chin pushed up against neck, slight lap of skin. Creases at the neck deepen. Mouth tightened on one side of face. There must be a great twist at the end of this movie that makes you look over so often. Crosses legs over one another. Foot rests in the air. Scrunches face. Hmm. Moves legs down, placing right leg over left, lying down along the bed. Big toe of right foot jitters. Stops jittering. Small toes of rest of right foot twitch rhythmically. Coughs, takes lips to mouth touching. Fingers slide along mouse pad. Dabbing. Swish from side to side. Breathes, chest rising upwards, Strokes against mouse pad. Circular motions. Small toes twitch. Once, again, again, again. Types. Again, again, faster. Small toes of foot bend towards pad of foot, again, again, again. Whole foots moves down slightly. Fingers continue to glide along mouse pad. Single finger, index finger, rests on lips. Types. Places hand back on mouth. Index finger bent now, fingers gently curled under. Coughs, yawns, fingers remain in front of mouth. Feet twitch. Toes bend. Again. Hand moves through hair, fingers separating strands. Arm moves beneath body, scratches at lower back. Right hand moves from mouse pad, touches lips. Index finger picks at lips. Moves back to keyboard. Left arm lies clenched at side of hip. Thumb lies over fingers curled under. Deep breath, chest rises, fuller than ordinary, breathes, coughs, deep and more than just throaty, deeply from the inner chest. Deep rasping sound emerges. Eyes flit from one side of socket to the other, gazing toward the screen. Toes of right foot continue to twitch under. Big toe of left foot joins them in rhythmic dance. While right foot bends, left big toe moves from side to side. Breathing heavily through nose. Takes in deep breath, stops for briefest movement. Coughs. Finger returns to lip, right-hand index finger is bent. Grazes against skin. Smiles, high pitched heeeh. Gazes back towards screen. Face contorts, eyebrows rise. Eyes creased below the eyes. Hand holds computer moving it further towards upper chest. Hands return back to sides. Fingers of left hands clenched. Huh. Fingers clench and knock against side. Hands move outwards quickly rising beside either side of thighs, held up off the bed. Damn it why is this not working. Scratches pelvis. Deep breath. Cough. Finger beneath nose. Fingers stroking along mouse pad. Thumb clicks button. Index finger soothes along lower lip. Hand curled and lightly clenched by mouth. Eyes flit from side to side. I noticed it a while ago, a couple of weeks ago before we left. Fingers graze along mouse pad. Fingers outstretch, typing. Finger returns to lips. Fingers of right hand move along pad. Index finger moves into open mouth. Bites down upon nail tip. Left big toe smoothes along side of right foot. Up and down. Up and down. Finger remains in mouth slowly moving between teeth and then out once more. Nail tip now firmly placed between teeth. Fingers glide along mouse pad. Toe twitches against left foot. Finger moves quickly over upper lip into mouth and over lower lip. Moves down resting upon breastbone. Left hand returns to hip, clenched. Right hand raised index finger touching lip. Lips twitch upwards at the side of the mouth. Finger traces along lip. Removes hand from move, placing finger outstretched on hip just about thigh. Mouth still slightly open. Fingers twitching slightly. Hands of right hand fingers move in order, twitching very briefly. Then thumb of left hand twitches. Slightly furrowed brow. Staggered breath as computer lies across chest. Eyes lower, lids lower further across eyeball. Blinking frequently. Swallows and eyes widen, mouth opens and closes. Chest rises and falls. Eyes narrow, lids coming lower. Mouth tucks in, sucking lower lip under. Cheeks purse, drawn inwards by suction. Eyes widen fully. Runs off with the little sister. Eyes blink. Foot twitches, lower left foot big toe sliding against right toes. Eyes flit across screen. Hands remain at hips. Lower Lip fluctuates, pulled taut then released. Eyes move circular. Blinking. Mouth open slightly. Creases between eyebrows. Blinks slowly, heavily. Blinks again. Shoulders lower. Licks lips. Lips pursed together, mouth remains slightly open. Lifts hand to hair, stroking. Hand returns back to side. Big toe twitches. Left big toe twitches against right small toes as they twitch.

Marloe (Body in Situ)

HUNCHED over

INHALE

EXHALE

SHIFT of sneakers blue with white stripes

skinny hands TAP keyboard

head RESTING on hand

arm RESTING on chair

OPENS computer
itunes
TYPING

GAZING at screen

BLINK

eyes MOVE across itunes

SEARCHING

COUGH
hand over mouth
STANDS up

FOLDS purple shirt

PLACES in drawer

TAKES blue shirt out

TAKES red shirt out

SHUTS drawer

OPENS drawer

TAKES white shirt out

TAKES green shirt out

TAKES socks out

ARRANGES shirts on bed

THROWS bra, panties on top

CHECKS phone

SITS in chair

TYPES on computer

EXTENDS legs

DRAGS mouse

SHIFTS in chair

DRAGS mouse

COUGH
hand over mouth
GRABS water bottle

REMOVES cap

DRINKS

REPLACES cap

water bottle PUT back on desk

STARES at computer

more TYPING

phone RINGS

TALKS to friend

HANGS up

COUGH
hand over mouth
OPENS facebook

fingers PLAY with short brown hair

head RESTING on hand

arm RESTING on chair

PRESSES off button

white mac computer GOES black

GRABS purple shirt and socks

OPENS drawer

Observation-Professor

Appearance

• No hair, bald
• Clean-shaven face
• Very light eyebrows, looks like he has no eyebrows
• Green eyes
• Long nose
• Thin Lips
• Somewhat big ears, freckled
• White, almost pinkish skin
• Tall, over six feet
  
• Slender, has love-handles, but thin nonetheless

Clothes and Accessories

• Striped black and white, long-sleeve shirt, with a black trim all around
• Gray t-shirt underneath the long-sleeve
  
• Blue jeans with five pockets
  
• Gold band on left hand, ring finger
• Watch on left wrist

Belongings (all sitting on the desk in front of him)

• White Macbook, open and facing him
• Book, The Classic Fairy Tales, lies on top of the laptop
• Ring of keys are hidden behind the laptop
• White paper notebook open midway, sitting to the right of the laptop
• Manila folder to the left of the laptop
• Black messenger bag to the right of the paper notebook

Actions

• Chalk in right hand
• Put his left hand inside the left, front pocket of his jeans
• Turns to the chalkboard behind him to write
  
• After he is done writing, he turns to the class and gestures “climax” (he motions, with his right hand, something climbing, and focuses his attention to the very top of the imaginary ladder, and slowly the right hand descends, indicating a declining motion)
• His gesture is interrupted, he scratches his head
• As he thinks of what to say, he looks towards the ceiling and once he is beginning to form a sentence, he looks around the class (at every single student)
• As he is trying to explain his idea, he nods, moving his head minutely up and down (as if trying to get approval that everybody understands)
• Remains silent for a few seconds and looks down at the notebook in front of him as he thinks of how to express the next concept
• He looks at the floor, looks up at the class, with his right hand, he picks up the book in front of him, The Classic Fairy Tales, and opens it
• In the process of picking up his book, he grabs a mechanical pencil
• Closes the book and holds it in his left hand, with his right hand, he turns the page of his notebook
• He acknowledges his notes and looks over to his right shoulder and notices a chair
• He sets down the book on the table and pulls the chair underneath him and puts his right knee on it
• Pulls his laptop closer to himself, leans over to press the keys and a blue screen appears on the wall behind him
• The song of Little Red Riding Hood begins to play
• He stares into his laptop and nods his head in rhythm to the melody
• Puts his hands up to represent the wolf, he motions the teeth and the ears
• Takes his right knee off of the chair and sits down
• Puts his hands on the desk
• Is still holding the pencil between his index and middle finger
• Picks up the book with his left hand and holds it with both hands as he browses through it
• He looks up at the class and holds the book in his left hand, and the pencil in his right hand
• He begins to talk about the book and keeps glancing at the book as he discusses it
• He sets it down gently, with the cover facing up, and he looks up at the class and poses a question
• Waits and looks around the room as he waits for someone to speak
• When someone speaks, he nods as the person finishes up
• Asks for participation and looks at the book as the student is speaking
• He keeps nodding and chuckling
• He brings his right hand to his chin and laughs
• When speaker is done, he stands up and says, “yeah”
• Does most of his gestures with his right hand
• He shifts his book from left to right hand, and shifts it back in less than three seconds (this goes on for quite a while)
• As he is talking about the book (in his left hand), he points at it with his right hand
• Sits back down
• Put his right elbow on the table and holds the book with his left, then alternates between left and right a couple times
• Makes a circular motion with his right hand, the motion moves forward
• Puts his right hand on his chin and slowly lets his head rest on it as it moves towards his right cheekbone
• Closes his laptop and moves his upper body closer to the table in front of him and put both elbows on the table
• His left elbow rests on top of the laptop
• He leans back and then leans forward again
• Again, both elbows on the table
• Puts the book down
• Make gestures with both hands, indicating a parallel of some sort
• Squints his eyes as he is tries to remember something
• Gestures with both of his hands, palms facing each other and moves them from his body and away from his body
• Looks down at the book and picks it up and tries to find his place
• He reads a short passage from the book and looks up at the class
• He gestures the concept behind the passage, with both hands he makes a twisting motion (as if uncapping something in mid-air)
• Gestures something that is ongoing by motioning a wave
• Pulls his sleeves up, left one first

Body in Situ

Lounging in her chair– 

Legs crossed. Bent. Smushed out of shape.

Naked knees. Tan shoes.

Jaw and gums moving in unison

Up and Down

Chewing and chomping in silence

 

With a tilt of the head. She focuses on another student.

Shuffling her papers. Taking notes with the pen in hand.

The pen in hand is now the pen in mouth

A chew toy between her straight white teeth.

 

Reading. Browsing.

Dark Big Eyes move back and forth. 

Back and forth.

Behind her auburn chocolate glasses.

Looking down. Glaring in a trance like state.

Notes. Notes. Reading. Writing. Writing. Writing. Reading.

Pause             Stop.

 

Quietly shuffling the white crisp pages in her lap once again.

She stares up for a moment. Glancing at the professor.

Reenacting the studious motions repeatedly.

Over and over again.

 

A colorful hippie styled bag rests on her desk.

The water bottle half full. Sitting near the notebook.

Notes. Paper shuffle.   Focus.

 

Eyes zoomed in on her note taking hand.

Following along as her words form on the page.

Hand to pen.   Pen to paper.   Pen to air.

Biting her pen between her teeth.

Frozen in time

Shaking. Chewing.

Turning. Looking.

Browsing.

Reading.

Writing.