"The Life He Left Behind"
0. He was born eight pounds, eight ounces, and measured two feet long.
1. He lived in San Francisco until the age of two.
2. His parents took him out to the suburbs, where he learned how to be cynical and funny.
3. One night at the dinner table, he said, "hey, I know how to write my name," and his mom said, "No, they will teach that in preschool next year, but you don't know how yet," and his father said, "hey, why don't you let him try at least?"... and they did. E-circle with two legs-I-C.
4. He learned how to write his name correctly in preschool.
5. He fell off his bike (on his second attempt to go down a steep hill) and his entire face was a scab for a while. Lost his three front teeth to the concrete of Sweetwater Drive. The neighbors all gave him pity toys and his mom gave him some color-changing MicroMachines.
6. When he was five, his parents divorced. The first memory of this new life was his first day of kindergarden, when only his dad was there. "Where's mommy?" he asked. "She's dead," replied his dad. Of course, he was joking, he was upset (hence the divorce).
7. Second year of instructional league baseball, his dad was the coach and they were sponsored by the local pizza place. That is when his affinity for pizza began.
8. At the age of seven, he heard a peer use the word "fuck" on the playground.
9. At the age of eight, he was crowned "King of Kickball."
10. At nine, he faced mounting pressures to succeed on the kickball field, so he started taking performance-enhancing drugs. By drugs, I mean candy, and lots of it. Sugar, energy, and playground... yup, that sounds right.
11. Fifth grade, first (and last) crush on a teacher. Heartbroken when she had him design her wedding invitations because he was a teacher's pet AND the best artist in the class. He did it anyway, in hopes that if he did a good job, she would leave the fiance and run away with him. Also, the first year he noticed he had a penis.
12. First year of middle school, his pants caught on his bike seat on the ride to the first day of school and he had to staple a six-inch rip.
13. Watched Jurassic Park twelve times at the movie theater.
14. First year of high school, he broke his finger in PE playing basketball on the day before basketball tryouts began. He went anyway and just stood in the corner while people tried out. He made the team anyway due to his extreme height.
15. Drank his first beer behind an abandoned warehouse. Bud Light never tasted so gross!
16. "Driving is a privilege, not a right." He became one of the six billion people behind the wheel.
17. Lost his virginity to a girl who claimed she wanted to be "bed buddies."
18. He got arrested for the felony charge of "possession of explosive devices" and was placed on probation for six months. Learned that playing with the perfect combination of water, dry ice and plastic water bottles is considered an "explosive device."
19. Discovered his love for tomatoes. He loves them in every shape, way, and form. He can eat a tomato like he could an orange, drink it as a juice, and consume as a soup.
20. Fell in love with a girl he had only known for a couple weeks. They were supposed to be soul mates (if you believe in that type of stuff).
21. Drinks beer legally for the first time. Also, the love of his life dies in a car crash. Hit at 90 miles per hour. He was devastated (to say the least).
22. He began to shy away from other people and became very recluse. He kept to himself and would only leave the house to go to church. He became very religious.
23. Lost a lot of weight. He used to weigh a hefty 190 pounds and now he is a little over 120 pounds. Such a frail frame, with cheekbones that stick out like razor blades.
24. He only has one suitcase full of personal belongings. Most of the stuff in it are letters from his soul mate (a picture of her hides in the top, right-hand corner).
25. He was committed to an asylum at the age of twenty-three. "Something just doesn't click," they say.
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